Kind of dating

Dating is weird. Hated it before and am not so fond of it now.
There’s a fine line between wanting to be in a relationship because you’re ready to start seeing people and being lonely and wanting to fill a void.

People at the funeral kept telling me – “you are young, don’t worry, you will find someone to marry. ”
Well I’ve never been worried about it. I don’t think there’s a time clock clicking, telling me to hurry up all ready and settle down again.

Truth is- I do feel lonely. It’s been nine months and there are times that I feel so alone. But it’s not everyday, it’s lessened and the busier I am, the less lonely I feel. When I am working, I forget about some of the grief, and start to see my life slowly changing.
For a long time I wanted to skip ahead a bunch of months and be here- in July or August, thinking I would be farther along in my grief journey. Although I am farther along, I’ve found myself again- I still have sad days/nights when I want to wallow in my misery. Or when I am truly sad. Whatever, it happens. My parents have really helped me- for awhile they let me wallow and then they say ok, you good now?
It may sound harsh, but it’s actually what I need. And at the same time, they are there to give me a hug, because they understand. They are also living this with me.

Back to dating-
I have been on a handful of dates. All nice guys, had good intentions until I would tell them I was a widow. Then it got weird. Suddenly they were moving or they too were too heartbroken to go on with another relationship. Interesting.
There are times when I wonder if I will find another person again. It’s easy to say yes. But it might be a no. I might have to learn to be ok with being alone for awhile.
It’s a weird balance. As much as I want someone to go out with, to love, and tell everything- at the same time I’ve grown really used to it just being me. I value my alone time and my space. A lot of people who have never experienced losing a spouse, say that I need to wait a couple years. I always kind of tilt my head to the side and think, how interesting that they can plan my life. I haven’t been able to plan anything. Obviously. And there are other people that say I should go crazy. Be wild, be flirty. (Side note, I was never wild. I don’t even know how to be anyways. )
Really only I can decide. I can decide if dating feels right. It will probably never feel right because I wasn’t supposed to be dating right now in my life. I was supposed to be married.
It’s taken me awhile to realize that I am in charge of me. Why it took this to make me realize that, I’m not sure. But it did. Hey.
On the good days I look at it this way-
I am special. And there will be someone out there who will be ok with the struggles I’ve been through and will still want to date me.
So here’s to that guy. You’re special too.



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