Awkward

So I have noticed some things about trying to date or even making new friends- some people can handle me being a widow and some just can’t. They make it even more awkward and either feel the need to bring him up constantly or completely avoid the five years I was with him, like he never exsisted.

With old acquaintances or new friends- if they facebook friend me, it says widow. That was by my choice that I put that status. I could have put nothing- but it wasn’t nothing and I am a widow. So deal. They never say anything, or they skimp around the questions of – what did you do those five years. Oh, I was a hermit. Lived with hobbits. Etc.
I don’t really blame them either. I mean, I wouldn’t know what to say. I do now of course. But without that happening, I would have never known. And I am an awkward person by nature anyways.

With dating it’s even more weird. Which I have already kind of talked about. Guys either think I’m a player, now freed from the bonds of marriage, or a girl who is looking for someone to marry her ASAP and have three kids. Can’t I just be a normal girl who wants to date a normal guy?
Nope.

My life was pretty interesting before. And it’s pretty interesting now. I think I’ve gone through enough for a lifetime- although I know I’m just at the beginning.
This whole process has really taught me not to judge people right off the bat. Don’t get me wrong- I still judge, it’s a bad character flaw. But now I maybe understand people’s motives a little more. I get why “that person” is “that way”, why they act the way they do. A lot of it is just growing up and starting to understand life.
Life is great. It’s a gift. It also can really suck too. But I’m trying to find beauty in it everyday. It’s hard sometimes. And sometimes it’s so easy to look up and say thank you. Thank you that I’m living.
I mostly understand how people perceive me. It’s a weird thing. To be young and be a widow. I have never known anyone but old, old widows, who had years of memories. I’m trying to be more frank and less awkward. I’m trying to be this open person who’s feelings don’t get hurt so easily when that guy never texts back. Or when that girl cancels her plans with me. After all, I do the same thing. I do the same thing and have no idea what’s really going on in their lives.

I think it’s good to take a step back and observe people. Just observe. Because in those moments when they think no one is watching, those are the moments you can really see what’s going on in their mind. A lot of times when I find myself wanting comfort for being lonely or just plain feeling widowy, someone else is also wanting comfort. I forget that I’m not the only one who carries sorrow.
So to those people who feel weird around me, to the people I make feel weird around me, and to the people who think I’m normal-haha- I’m sorry.
Have patience with me and I will definitely learn to have patience with you.

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