Tag Archives: love

Awkward

So I have noticed some things about trying to date or even making new friends- some people can handle me being a widow and some just can’t. They make it even more awkward and either feel the need to bring him up constantly or completely avoid the five years I was with him, like he never exsisted.

With old acquaintances or new friends- if they facebook friend me, it says widow. That was by my choice that I put that status. I could have put nothing- but it wasn’t nothing and I am a widow. So deal. They never say anything, or they skimp around the questions of – what did you do those five years. Oh, I was a hermit. Lived with hobbits. Etc.
I don’t really blame them either. I mean, I wouldn’t know what to say. I do now of course. But without that happening, I would have never known. And I am an awkward person by nature anyways.

With dating it’s even more weird. Which I have already kind of talked about. Guys either think I’m a player, now freed from the bonds of marriage, or a girl who is looking for someone to marry her ASAP and have three kids. Can’t I just be a normal girl who wants to date a normal guy?
Nope.

My life was pretty interesting before. And it’s pretty interesting now. I think I’ve gone through enough for a lifetime- although I know I’m just at the beginning.
This whole process has really taught me not to judge people right off the bat. Don’t get me wrong- I still judge, it’s a bad character flaw. But now I maybe understand people’s motives a little more. I get why “that person” is “that way”, why they act the way they do. A lot of it is just growing up and starting to understand life.
Life is great. It’s a gift. It also can really suck too. But I’m trying to find beauty in it everyday. It’s hard sometimes. And sometimes it’s so easy to look up and say thank you. Thank you that I’m living.
I mostly understand how people perceive me. It’s a weird thing. To be young and be a widow. I have never known anyone but old, old widows, who had years of memories. I’m trying to be more frank and less awkward. I’m trying to be this open person who’s feelings don’t get hurt so easily when that guy never texts back. Or when that girl cancels her plans with me. After all, I do the same thing. I do the same thing and have no idea what’s really going on in their lives.

I think it’s good to take a step back and observe people. Just observe. Because in those moments when they think no one is watching, those are the moments you can really see what’s going on in their mind. A lot of times when I find myself wanting comfort for being lonely or just plain feeling widowy, someone else is also wanting comfort. I forget that I’m not the only one who carries sorrow.
So to those people who feel weird around me, to the people I make feel weird around me, and to the people who think I’m normal-haha- I’m sorry.
Have patience with me and I will definitely learn to have patience with you.

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Mess

20140519-001306-786392.jpgI’m generally a mess. I have always been a sensitive person but geez- after my husband’s death, I’ve become more weepy about anything and everything. At first I couldn’t get through watching five minutes of a romantic movie before I would burst into tears. So instead I would try to watch sci-fi movies. And low and behold, Oblivion is a romantic sci-fi flick. Love the movie, but was bawling at the end. If you have watched it, you know what I mean.

I think sometimes it’s hard for people to understand us. As widows- at least in my case-I tend to take things personally. Like when a newly married woman goes on and on about her honeymoon and wedding. Like she knows I’m a widow. No. I have to remind myself every day to not take things so personally. She doesn’t know and probably, honestly if she did, she wouldn’t have gone on and on about it.

I was out for a good three months. Out as in emotionally checked out. Or really, super checked in.  Three weeks in, I would try and make myself look attractive. For my own well-being.  I have wonderful parents who would take me out and about town. Simple things like grocery shopping were painful. Every food he loved I would tear up at. It sounds ridiculous, but its true.  Every couple that held hands made my stomach hurt. But seeing that the world does indeed still go on, really helped me. Holidays were hard. Unbearable. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate until there was some sun. I would get so frustrated because I am  a really impatient person. I wanted my life back. I wanted to move on. I wanted to remember. Completely terrified that I would forget him, I would stare at his pictures. Try to remember his voice.

There’s a selfishness that would come over me. I wanted my perfect life back. Which, by the way, was SO far from perfect. (my little grieving brain tried to make it something it never was).  But it was still mine. It was my life.

My mom and dad are quote people. Actually my entire family. We live by quotes. Sounds silly, but it’s true. And the quote above is one that I found on pinterest. I have always been somewhat of a chaotic mess. My car is always a disaster. Except for one week out of the month. Ha. My life is always somewhat dramatic, whether it actually is or I make it that way. I am always slightly running behind. Essentially this quote, I like to pretend, is about me. I love how it makes “mess” sound attractive and romantic. I know this is what he loved about me.

It’s okay not to have everything together and perfect. To be a little crazy and unorganized. Life is messy. It has taken me alot longer to realize this than it probably should. But hey, I’m sure you would agree- the best way to learn and live life is at your own speed. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than we want it to.