I’m generally a mess. I have always been a sensitive person but geez- after my husband’s death, I’ve become more weepy about anything and everything. At first I couldn’t get through watching five minutes of a romantic movie before I would burst into tears. So instead I would try to watch sci-fi movies. And low and behold, Oblivion is a romantic sci-fi flick. Love the movie, but was bawling at the end. If you have watched it, you know what I mean.
I think sometimes it’s hard for people to understand us. As widows- at least in my case-I tend to take things personally. Like when a newly married woman goes on and on about her honeymoon and wedding. Like she knows I’m a widow. No. I have to remind myself every day to not take things so personally. She doesn’t know and probably, honestly if she did, she wouldn’t have gone on and on about it.
I was out for a good three months. Out as in emotionally checked out. Or really, super checked in. Three weeks in, I would try and make myself look attractive. For my own well-being. I have wonderful parents who would take me out and about town. Simple things like grocery shopping were painful. Every food he loved I would tear up at. It sounds ridiculous, but its true. Every couple that held hands made my stomach hurt. But seeing that the world does indeed still go on, really helped me. Holidays were hard. Unbearable. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate until there was some sun. I would get so frustrated because I am a really impatient person. I wanted my life back. I wanted to move on. I wanted to remember. Completely terrified that I would forget him, I would stare at his pictures. Try to remember his voice.
There’s a selfishness that would come over me. I wanted my perfect life back. Which, by the way, was SO far from perfect. (my little grieving brain tried to make it something it never was). But it was still mine. It was my life.
My mom and dad are quote people. Actually my entire family. We live by quotes. Sounds silly, but it’s true. And the quote above is one that I found on pinterest. I have always been somewhat of a chaotic mess. My car is always a disaster. Except for one week out of the month. Ha. My life is always somewhat dramatic, whether it actually is or I make it that way. I am always slightly running behind. Essentially this quote, I like to pretend, is about me. I love how it makes “mess” sound attractive and romantic. I know this is what he loved about me.
It’s okay not to have everything together and perfect. To be a little crazy and unorganized. Life is messy. It has taken me alot longer to realize this than it probably should. But hey, I’m sure you would agree- the best way to learn and live life is at your own speed. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than we want it to.