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Being social and why it’s good.

Ok. So I am a person who tends to put all my faith, love, and effort into one person or thing and concentrate so hard to make that thing happy. It’s what I do. It’s mostly bad I would think. I almost always regret doing it, but it’s how I am wired.

Becoming a widow has taught me alot of things and has given me more weird wisdom than I had before. One thing is for sure- friends are super important. When I was married, I had one best friend, my husband. I put all my effort and love in him. I rested all my faith in him. His moods often dictated my moods and so on. I caused myself alot of stress, trying to make him always happy. It’s hard and trying, to make someone else happy. Especially when they are depressive. But it was my own fault. I could have stopped doing it, but I didn’t. He had some guy friends. I had my mom. But I chose not to have girl friends. I chose to have him.

When he passed away, I was suddenly alone. Yes I had my wonderful family. But I lost that one person who I shared everything with. And it was really difficult. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life. And trust me, I was pretty independent before I was married. But it was a choice I made. After the funeral, I became friends with an old childhood friend. She was awesome because she invited me over all the time to do anything. She helped me back on my feet. We went grocery shopping and watched Sons of Anarchy. I am so thankful I had her during that time. She put a little sunshine back into my life.

I still feel lonely. I could have a hundred people around me and I will feel alone. I’m sure any widow/widower feels this way. It’s an odd feeling. It makes me want to stay home. Feel depressed. But I’ve learned one important thing- surround yourself with people. Eventually they will get to know you and it won’t feel weird. You won’t feel out of place. You will probably eventually feel alone again, but if you keep yourself moving and busy, you will be fine. There will be those nights when you cry and cry and cry. And that’s good. It’s completely healthy. You will learn how much you can take. How much social-ness you can handle. It’s a fine balance. I’ve had to actually put myself out there and meet new people. It gave me hives. But I did it. Now I have more friends than before. It’s nice to have somebody invite you to something. Not because they feel bad, but because they actually enjoy your company and want to see you.

Also, on the same note-

It’s good to discover yourself and who you are. I lost alot of myself, by choice, when I was married. Doing things on my own now, was really weird and sad at first. But now, seven months later, I am almost used to it. There are some days when I complain about being alone. And there are other days when I am slowly starting to enjoy myself and my what I do in my free time. Don’t get me wrong- I would have never chose to have this life over what I had. But this is what it is now, and I’ve come to accept it. Sometimes I don’t want to and I throw in the “poor me, I’m a widow and it sucks” card. It works for about two minutes and I realize that it could always be worse. I’m blessed in the fact that I was married. I’ve learned alot and grown in my faith. I have a great job that I enjoy. I have an awesome family. I have great friends. It’s summer and the sun is out. That’s pretty awesome. At least to me.

So- take a class. Go dancing. Eat at your new favorite restaurant. Find a good book. Be outside. Take a walk. And make friends.

” With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy?” -Oscar Wilde.

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Mess

20140519-001306-786392.jpgI’m generally a mess. I have always been a sensitive person but geez- after my husband’s death, I’ve become more weepy about anything and everything. At first I couldn’t get through watching five minutes of a romantic movie before I would burst into tears. So instead I would try to watch sci-fi movies. And low and behold, Oblivion is a romantic sci-fi flick. Love the movie, but was bawling at the end. If you have watched it, you know what I mean.

I think sometimes it’s hard for people to understand us. As widows- at least in my case-I tend to take things personally. Like when a newly married woman goes on and on about her honeymoon and wedding. Like she knows I’m a widow. No. I have to remind myself every day to not take things so personally. She doesn’t know and probably, honestly if she did, she wouldn’t have gone on and on about it.

I was out for a good three months. Out as in emotionally checked out. Or really, super checked in.  Three weeks in, I would try and make myself look attractive. For my own well-being.  I have wonderful parents who would take me out and about town. Simple things like grocery shopping were painful. Every food he loved I would tear up at. It sounds ridiculous, but its true.  Every couple that held hands made my stomach hurt. But seeing that the world does indeed still go on, really helped me. Holidays were hard. Unbearable. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate until there was some sun. I would get so frustrated because I am  a really impatient person. I wanted my life back. I wanted to move on. I wanted to remember. Completely terrified that I would forget him, I would stare at his pictures. Try to remember his voice.

There’s a selfishness that would come over me. I wanted my perfect life back. Which, by the way, was SO far from perfect. (my little grieving brain tried to make it something it never was).  But it was still mine. It was my life.

My mom and dad are quote people. Actually my entire family. We live by quotes. Sounds silly, but it’s true. And the quote above is one that I found on pinterest. I have always been somewhat of a chaotic mess. My car is always a disaster. Except for one week out of the month. Ha. My life is always somewhat dramatic, whether it actually is or I make it that way. I am always slightly running behind. Essentially this quote, I like to pretend, is about me. I love how it makes “mess” sound attractive and romantic. I know this is what he loved about me.

It’s okay not to have everything together and perfect. To be a little crazy and unorganized. Life is messy. It has taken me alot longer to realize this than it probably should. But hey, I’m sure you would agree- the best way to learn and live life is at your own speed. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than we want it to.